
How to Handle Conflict in the Church
A Christian Approach to Conflict
How We Deal with Conflict
Conflict between two people can start in a number of different ways. The hard feelings might start because one person said something careless and unkind about the other. Or one individual might be jealous of the other person’s family life, job, or popularity. The two people in conflict – they might be competing for the same goal. They might have a sharp disagreement about a political issue, or about a task that they were supposed to be working together on. We can get ourselves into a conflict in any number of ways.
And as I’m sure you’re aware – conflict isn’t pleasant. It usually puts us in a sour mood. For some of us, it makes us anxious. For others of us, it just gives us a sense of dread every time we have to deal with other person. We usually just want the bad feelings of the conflict to go away.
And we might try a number of different things to make that happen. We might try to cut the person we’re in conflict with out of our lives. We might try to make ourselves feel better about our side of the argument by continuing to blame and criticize the other person. We might compromise on our values to appease the other person. We may try to deal with the conflict by awkwardly pretending like nothing is wrong, in face-to-face situations, but then continuing to have social media arguments, gossip, or hard feelings in private. There are a variety of ways people try to cope with conflict.
But in whatever case, I think it can be tempting for us to want a quick, easy fix to conflict. And I think many people might assume that the best way to deal with conflict is to find the way that requires the least effort, or the way that makes us feel better the fastest. But we need to understand – when it comes to living in accordance with the Bible – we shouldn’t assume that the quick, easy fix is the right way or the best way. We need to remember that pragmatism isn’t ultimately what determines how we should live – whether an action is truly right or wrong. Instead, our way of life needs to be informed by divine truth. As Christians, our desire shouldn’t just be to do what feels good, but to live in a way that actually is good in the eyes of God.
This morning we’ll be continuing our series through the book of Philippians. The Apostle Paul, who wrote this letter to the church in Philippi – so far in the letter, he’s expressed gratitude for what God has already done. These Philippian Christians had confessed their wrongdoings before God. They were trusting in the work of Jesus Christ to cleanse them from their corruption and to bring them to God. So in this letter, Paul has been encouraging them to make progress in living out their faith in Christ. But along the way, Paul has dropped hints that there’s been some sort of issue going on. And here in our text, he (finally) explains what it is.
Please turn in your Bibles with me to the book of Philippians. I’ll be reading from Philippians, Chapter 4, verses 2 and 3.
But before I read our text, please pray with me once again:
[Pray and Read Text]
A Road Map to Conflict Resolution in the Church
Two women in the Philippian church, Euodia and Syntyche, have been in serious, ongoing conflict. It’s possible the Philippian Church had other issues, too. But this one was especially significant. Yet even though it was significant for the church back then, in Philippi, my guess is that it probably doesn’t feel all that significant to you. After all, this is a disagreement that happened between just two random people, on the other side of the world, 2,000 years ago. Why should it matter to us?
In one respect, you’re absolutely right. The details of their disagreement aren’t really relevant to us. Were they arguing about what type of clothes to wear to church? Or about parenting methods? You’ll notice, the text doesn’t say. Those details aren’t the point.
Instead, what Paul’s doing here is he’s walking us through the process of conflict resolution. Specifically, he’s showing us how to handle sin issues when they arise in the church. Because they will. The Bible is very honest – Christians didn’t always love each other and get along in the days of the early church. And Christians today are going to face the same kinds of issues. God is attentive to real-world kinds of problems that we’re going to face. And he wants to equip us with principled, practical wisdom, so when church relationships get messy, we know how to handle it all.
Now, at this point I’m not aware of any conflict happening in our church like this. The Lord has been very kind to grant us peace and unity here, in our early days of planting a church in Mount Pleasant. But I expect, at some point or another, there will be bitter feelings, hurtful misunderstandings, unkind words, and unhealthy whisperings. And when those days come, my hope is that understanding this part of the Bible will help us to be prepared – so that whether we’re the people in conflict, or whether it’s someone else, we’ll know what it looks like to address issues like this in a faithful, Biblical way.
Notice that Paul’s instructions here aren’t just for the people who were butting heads. He does speak to them, in verse 2. But notice, in verse 3, Paul also gives instructions to other people in the Church to help with the restoration process. So God’s giving instructions for all of us. These two verses lay out a number of principles for how we should handle conflict as a church. First, we should expect Christians to live out their faith. Second, we should entreat people personally to turn from their sin. Third, we should exhort others to be like-minded – to agree in the Lord. Fourth, we should assist them in love. And fifth, we should affirm their place in the Church.
These will be my five points as I work through the text: Expect Christians to live out their faith, entreat people personally, exhort into like-mindedness, assist in love, and affirm their place in the Church.
Expect Christians to Live Out Their Faith
So first, expect Christians to live out their faith. I hope you can see here – that’s what Paul’s expectation is. He doesn’t operate as though the conflict between Euodia and Syntyche is normal, but he calls these two Christian women to live out their faith in the context of their relationship. Just as we considered last week, having the right convictions should produce right conduct.
Just think for a moment: these two women have the same Lord, Jesus Christ. Jesus has loved them both, and has laid down his life for both of them, to free them both from their selfishness, pride, and jealousy. He has given them the same Holy Scriptures to direct them both in their desires and decisions. The Lord Jesus has made them one, with the same Holy Spirit, bringing them into one body, the Church. The Lord Jesus has made them citizens of the same heavenly country. He’s made them children in the same family, having the same heavenly Father. Shouldn’t these things have some sort of real impact on how these women relate to each other? Paul assumes that it will – that it must.
But when you look at their relationship, there’s no sign at all of the friendliness and harmony you’d expect to see. There’s no sense of togetherness – just turmoil. Instead of affection, aggression. Instead of devotion, division. Yet Paul doesn’t pretend that this is just one of many acceptable ways to live the Christian life. He doesn’t just shrug and say, “That’s how people are sometimes.” No, Paul identifies that this pattern of living here is incompatible with the Christian message. And so he speaks. He does something about the problem. Because he expects these two Christian women to live out their faith.
And I think that it’s important to make sure that this is clear, because I’m concerned that there are many Christians out there that don’t operate with this same expectation. It has become mainstream for many churches to operate as though it’s acceptable – perhaps even normal – to be a Christian and, at the same time, to have a lifestyle filled with moral failings – things like discontentment, jealousy, grudges, gossip, pornography, drug abuse, self-righteousness, or casual complacency toward God.
My goal here isn’t to be critical of any specific church – but simply to point out a problem that we should be watching out for. Because I think that these churches mean well. They understand that our human nature continues to have corruption lingering in it. Even after we’ve trusted in Christ, we’re still vulnerable to temptation and sin. And we should be patient with people who are coming out of non-Christian backgrounds. That’s all true, and it’s important for us to keep those things in mind.
But at the same time, we need to make sure we don’t lose sight of what sin is. Our sin makes us criminals in God’s eyes – enemies. We’re all guilty of violating God’s good decrees. We’ve done violence against the public good. And our sin was so was perverted and wrong, nothing less than the death of God’s Son in our place could save us from it! That’s how bad our sin is. And yet because of what Christ has done, sin’s enslaving Lordship over a Christian’s heart has been abolished. Corrupt, selfish desires will still be present there, that’s true. But sin shouldn’t be controlling how Christians live. And this is especially true, because God himself is at work to help us. We saw this a couple months ago, in Philippians 2, 12 and 13. So ongoing patterns of wrongness shouldn’t be normal in the Christian life.
This may not be what people want to hear. But this is what the Bible honestly teaches. And it’s good for us. If we’re going to be true to the Bible, as a church, we need to call people to turn away from their sin. When people come to God, they can no longer continue along in cherishing their old, ungodly passions and patterns of life. Complacency toward sin should not be normal in the church. We should expect Christians to live out their faith.
Entreat People Personally (to End Conflict)
And when Paul notices that this isn’t happening, in verse 2, he says, “I entreat Euodia, and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord.” He Entreats People Personally, which is my second point. “Entreat people personally.”
But when Paul says he’s entreating them – what does that actually mean?
In the original Greek, the word here is Parakaleo. And the word is made up of two parts. The first part of the word, para, means beside. Two lines that are parallel – para-llel – they’re alongside each other. And the second part of the word, kaleo, means to call, or to summon someone to something. When you put these words together, then – if I parakaleo – it means that I’m calling someone to something. But I’m doing it from alongside of the person. I’m not talking down at people. I’m not saying, “I’m better than you, so do what I say.” But I’m urging them as a friend, as someone who is beside them.
So Paul as Paul entreats these two women, he’s coming alongside them to encourage them forward. He is for Euodia and Syntyche. He is with them rather than against them. He isn’t leaning across a table at them, pointing his finger, jabbing them in the chest. Instead, he’s sitting in a chair next to them, to help them identify and deal with the problem. His words are firm and urgent. But at the same time he speaks from a posture of gracious humility and affection. When we pull aside a brother or sister to urge them out of their sin – we aren’t ultimately saying “You need to be like me.” Instead, our message is “Friend, we need to be like Christ.”
And this guards us against two different types of errors. It guards us from speaking with the wrong attitude. Our words shouldn’t be laced with impatience, anger, or pride. If we’re really caring for our brothers and sisters, we won’t vent our criticisms at them, or talk down at them. But we’ll speak with the realization that we, like them, are co-workers aiming at the same goal, and fellow servants under the same Master.
But Paul’s example also guards us against another error – against the error of not speaking at all. In many ways, it would frankly be a lot easier to just avoid talking about that sinful pattern of living that someone’s walking in. But speaking to the issue – speaking about it personally – is an important part of what it means to live out our faith as a church.
Because you’ll see, here, Paul directs these words to Euodia and Syntyche personally, directly. He recognizes that individual instructions are needed for individual people, in order to bring about the peace and purity of the church. And so he doesn’t just say something very indirect, like, “You know, peace and harmony are really good things.” He doesn’t even just give the whole church a very general command, like, “Make sure you have less conflict.” Because I can just imagine Euodia saying, “That’s right, Syntyche – you heard him. Stop being such a stubborn fool.” It would be easier to dodge personal responsibility.
But instead, Paul makes sure that both of these two women specifically, are addressed. Because he’s aware, these two women have probably heard the general teachings of the Bible many times before. They’ve likely heard how the work of Christ has torn down the wall of separation between God and man, and between Jew and Gentiles, and that Christ has come to bring peace among his people. They would probably affirm that it was virtuous for Christ to lay down his self-interests out of love for others. They’d maybe even agree that Christians should love one another.
But these women had difficulty applying these truths to themselves, and to real life. And this happens. We can sometimes deceive ourselves. You and I might get caught up in some emotional angst, so we can’t think straight. There could be other things that cloud up our thinking – like lack of sleep, or depression. And sometimes what we need is to have a brother or sister pull us aside for a quick conversation, to encourage us to personally apply Biblical truth to how we live. Paul’s goal here is to love his sisters, by getting their attention, specifically – by urging them personally to put their faith into practice.
As we consider Paul’s example here, though, notice that he doesn’t speak out against every little sin that’s happening in the Philippian church. Paul isn’t a referee, running up and down the sidelines of the Philippian church, blowing his whistle every time he sees the smallest bit of an infraction. Instead, Paul is very selective in when he speaks. And we should be selective, as well.
Because over the course of Paul’s whole letter, this is the only specific problem that he addresses directly. Even though the other Philippians weren’t sinless, they seem to have been dealing with their sins on their own in a healthy way. They were repenting of their wrongs, and relying on God’s grace to walk in obedience. It wouldn’t have been necessary or particularly helpful for Paul to point out problems there. But for Euodia and Syntyche – there must have been an ongoing problem – a pattern of sin. Neither of them were looking for a solution to the conflict. Instead, they were holding on to bitter feelings, and were stubbornly refusing to forgive.
And that’s the sort of situation that calls for loving engagement from the church. Paul presses Euodia and Syntyche, personally, when there’s a pattern of wrong, without a clear indication of repentance or change.
Exhort into Like-mindedness
And as Paul speaks into their conflict, he exhorts them into like-mindedness. This is my third main point, here. “Exhort into like-mindedness”
And I get this from the end of verse 2. In light of the disagreement, Paul specifically says, “I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche, to agree in the Lord.”
Now at first glance, Paul’s instructions here might come across as being a bit too simplistic to actually deal with the problem – kind of like advising a depressed person to “be happier,” or trying to end the war in Ukraine by telling people that they just need to “stop fighting.” Two women in Philippi are in conflict? No problem! Just tell them to agree. That will fix it, right?
But as it turns out, Paul’s words here really are effective at dealing with the issue at hand. Because Paul isn’t just telling them to agree, as in “Stop arguing! Start holding the same opinions – ready, set, GO.” Instead, literally in the Greek, what Paul’s actually saying here is that he wants them to have the same mindset in the Lord. He’s reminding them that their whole way of thinking – what they value, what they prioritize, how they make decisions – their thinking should be brought under the Lordship of Jesus.
Because just imagine for a minute – Paul easily could have said. “Euodia, you’re wrong. Syntyche’s right. So stop arguing.” But, see, that wouldn’t have gotten to the heart of the issue. Yesterday’s argument might get fixed – momentarily. But there’d be nothing stopping them from these two women diving into a new argument today. For as long as Euodia and Syntyche are stuck in their old competitive, materialistic, anxiety-driven ways of thinking, the real problem hasn’t been fixed. Their whole way of thinking needs to be changed – that’s the heart of the problem. And so Paul says, “agree – have the same mindset – in the Lord.”
And Paul makes it clear here – when we belong to Jesus – when we’re in Christ by faith, our way of thinking needs to be in Christ, too. Our goal here, in the church – it isn’t just to agree about whatever, or to have general commonality in the things we like. Because it’s possible to agree in a sinful way. People are sometimes violently forced into agreement, or are bribed, or are deceived. And it’s also possible to agree about sinful things, such as Pacific Islanders in the past agreeing about cannibalism, or Communists agreeing about atheism. We aren’t just called to agree, in whatever way we collectively find appealing. But as Christians we are obligated to have the same mindset – to adopt the right attitudes in our thinking – in the Lord.
Paul has already spoken about aspects of this mindset earlier in this letter. Early on in Chapter 2, Paul especially emphasized the importance of us having the mind of Christ – a mind of humility. And this is likely a big part of what Paul is encouraging Euodia and Syntyche in here. As you take on a mindset of service, of humility – shouldn’t you be willing to admit where you might be wrong? Shouldn’t you be eager to advance the honor and the joy of your brother or sister, with love? And if I’m a servant of Christ, shouldn’t I care about his people more than I care about my personal agendas? This is the sort of mindset that brings people to their knees before Jesus, and that ends conflict in the church.
But both of these women need to put on this new way of thinking. They need to be prepared to have a charitable heart, to overlook offenses – just as Christ graciously dealt with them. They need to be committed to walking through trials with each other – as allies, rather than adversaries. The Bible needs to guide us into right doctrine, into right practice – and yes, into right thinking. We are called to have the same mindset – the mindset of Christ.
Assist in Love
But notice, this isn’t just true for Euodia and Syntyche – for the two women involved in the conflict. But this is true for everyone in the church. Paul gives a command here, that others in the church should assist Euodia and Syntyche in the midst of their disagreement. And this brings us to my fourth point: Assist in Love.
In verse 3, Paul says, “Yes I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement, and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.”
You may notice, if your Bible has footnotes, historically it hasn’t been totally clear to people whether this phrase “true companion” is a general invitation to faithful Christians in the church, or if it’s a specific instruction for one person. The word translated as “companion” here is the Greek Syzygus. It could have been someone’s name. But the meaning of this word is really specific – it refers to someone who labored side by side with someone in a yoke. The imagery here would be something like a yoke of oxen, hitched to a plow, and the two would work together to work up the field.
And because of the context, and the way Paul’s been speaking here, it seems much more likely that the word Syzygus here is used to describe how we in the church should view ourselves, when we’re assisting people who are in conflict – when we’re helping someone who’s caught up in their sin. We’re not pictured here as the super-hero or Savior who snaps our fingers and makes the problem go away. But instead, we’re called to be the faithful friend who climbs down with our brother or sister into the dirt, for the daily, repetitive, long work of living for Jesus.
The work of repentance and restoration and renewal – it can be a hard. When people are coming from a non-Christian background – when they’re coming out of a life of drug use, sexual immorality, social manipulation, dishonesty, and all the rest – it can be incredibly hard for some of our brothers and sisters to lay these things aside. They need us to help them. We shouldn’t expect the changes in their lives to be immediate. We shouldn’t expect our involvement in their life to feel effortless. It may be costly at times. But we are urged here, as true companions, to assist our brothers and sisters in love.
We can’t do the work of the Holy Spirit to change their hearts. And we can’t repent and fight against sin for them. Our brothers and sisters have their own personal responsibility that they need to grapple with. But we can labor with them. And we should, as the need arises.
Affirm Their Place in the Church
And there’s one more principle to mention from the text here, as we consider Paul’s approach to handling conflict. As Paul wraps up his instructions regarding the Euodia-Syntyche situation, he affirms their place in the church. This is my fifth and final point: “Affirm their place in the church.”
Paul says, “help these women who have labored side by side with me in the gospel, together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.” Paul goes out of his way, here, to add a description of how he views Euodia and Syntyche. And it might be surprising to you – the description is positive.
Throughout the ordeal here, Paul has not placed these two women in a separate category – as nuisances, as black sheep, or whatever. His goal isn’t to shame them, or to give them a scarlet letter. Instead, he labels them as his partners. He affirms that they’ve been valuable co-workers and co-contributors in the life of the church. And at the time, it was common in the Greek and Roman world to have a record book where they listed all of the freemen or citizens of a place. So Paul uses this imagery and further confirms that their “names are in the book of life.” These women, and Clement, and his fellow workers – they’re all citizens of the same kingdom. They’re all servants of the same eternal king.
And Paul wants Euodia and Syntyche to understand, beyond the shadow of a doubt – they aren’t being treated like community projects. His goal in addressing their sin isn’t to dehumanize them, but to affirm that their lives matter – that they have a real, important place among the people of God. These women are a valuable part of the church.
And as we consider our church in Mount Pleasant, we should make sure that we don’t make artificial distinctions in the church – that we don’t assume that some people are worth our time and trouble, and other people aren’t. Instead, Paul is careful to affirm that each one of us – each one of you – has an important role in the church. It is worth our while to yoke ourselves to one another, as true companions, and to labor with one another into greater Christlikeness.
If you look over the text, you’ll see – there’s no promise here that these principles I’ve mentioned are a magic 5-step path that will always lead to happy endings. And that’s because even when the church does everything right, there will still be times when people sin against Christ, and against us, and refuse to hold true to the Christian faith. We can’t control the results. But what we can do, is we can live according to what God has said, here, in the Bible. That’s our goal – not just to do what feels good, not just to do what seems to produce results. But let’s resolve, whenever conflicts arise, that we will aim to live out God’s Word together. Please pray with me: