A Prayer When You’re Just Holding On
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
From the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day,
But you do not answer,
And by night, but I find no rest (Psalm 22:1-2).
How shall I arise,
Unless you give me strength?
How am I to endure
Unless you uphold me?
You say your mercies are new,
New every morning (Lamentations 3:23)
Yet often my dreary nights
Give way to weary mornings
Mornings that are just as lonely,
Just as painful,
Just as barren,
As the days and weeks before.
Every day I’m at the end of myself
Barely holding on,
Barely staying afloat,
Wondering how I’ll last another hour.
Somehow, I continue –
Great is your faithfulness! –
Yet I do not feel your faithfulness.
I am not strong in it.
And I often wonder if it will be enough.
Lord, I cannot hide my real thoughts.
As I’m plagued by inner doubts
And perplexed by outer darkness
I’m ashamed of my frailty,
And despise the weakness of my faith.
I wallow often in misery,
For I do not stand strong on your promises,
But I’m quick to grumble and complain
Just as Israel did in their hardness of heart
Before perishing for their unbelief.
God, I know you’re real.
But I don’t know if I really know your realness.
It concerns me to think
That I could know so much about you
And yet know your nearness so little.
In days past, all seemed simpler
And also more certain.
The goodness of your promises
Seemed to match the greatness of my prosperity.
The songs of the Christian church
Resonated with the song of my heart.
The glory of the gospel
Cast sunshine into my soul.
Yet a cloud has come,
Greater than any fog,
Obscuring your light
And blurring my vision,
Drowning me in coldness
Darkening my thoughts
Dampening my zeal
And I despair – or nearly do –
Of ever being free.
For I do desire freedom,
And yet I cannot leave my prison,
For I my desires are too weak.
I truly do want You –
I want to set my thoughts on You.
Yet in my twisted heart,
I do the evil I do not want (Romans 7:19),
Setting my thoughts instead
On the intoxicating easiness
Of selfish sorrow and self-pity.
Even now, I hesitate to lift my head.
For I fear that either I will see your glory,
And be overcome with shame,
Or I will see nothing
Hear nothing,
Feel nothing,
And will be cast into deeper doubts,
Despair, and despondency,
Than ever before.
My condition is worse than I realize.
I trust you so little.
I want you so little.
I love you so little.
I’m just barely holding on.
Assure me again that you are the one –
The one who holds me,
Even when my grip is slipping.
Comfort me that you are the one –
The one who has me,
Even when I have no good thing in myself.
It is only in this hope that I can pray.
I have spent too much time,
Looking for hope to come from other things:
From my willpower
From my feelings
From my knowledge –
From the approval of friends
From the excitement of romance
Or from the stability of my home life.
I have looked to my own resources
And I have relied on my circumstances,
But all have been sinking ships
And collapsing bridges,
Unable to hold the weight of my future
And incapable of bringing me to life.
I set these things aside
And now confess that nothing but you –
Only you can help me.
In you alone do I hope.
I’m just barely holding on.
Don’t stop holding on to me.
Confirm your grace anew.
Remind me of my Savior,
Of his empathy in my suffering (Hebrews 2:18)
And his victory over it (1 Peter 3:18).
Lead me again to the Rock
That is higher than I (Psalm 61:1-2).
Raise me from the miry clay,
Set my feet on the rock,
And make my steps secure (Psalm 40:1-2).
I wait for you, Lord Jesus,
For I am powerless to do anything else.
I cry to you, Lord Jesus,
For no one else will listen.
I look to you, Lord Jesus,
For no one else knows my sorrow.
I lean on you, Lord Jesus,
For no one else can bear my burdens.
I wait for you, Lord Jesus.
Come. Come soon.
AMEN.
